The Best Holiday EVER
by Lady Wolfie
Summary: Every year, there is a day devoted to annoying the hell out of Remus Lupin. Please R&R!
1. History Lesson

**Title**: The Best Holiday EVER

**Rating**: K+

**Genre**: Humor

**Setting**: Summer of OOTP

**Ships**: None, but possibly some strong RLHG friendship.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing.

**A/N**: Why does fanfiction continue to take me away from important school work? Why?! Ack. Anyway. I have very little idea where this fic is going, so please be patient with me. Also, if anyone is reading "The War of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place", I am SO sorry I haven't updated it, even though I promised I would weeks ago. It seems I'm motivated to write everything BUT that. I'll finish writing it eventually, I promise. Enjoy the fic, and PLEEEASE review! Reviews encourage me.

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In general, most mornings at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place were pretty uneventful. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, most of the Weasley clan and occasionally an Order member or two would gather around the kitchen table and enjoy their breakfast. On this particular morning, Molly Weasley was dishing out French toast and eggs while Remus and Hermione were engaged in a conversation about some book that only the two of them had read and Fred and George were quietly conspiring, huddled together over a piece of parchment they held under the table so no one else could see it. None of this was in any way out of the ordinary, and yet, this morning was very different. This difference lied with Sirius Black.

Sirius had the most unusual mood swings that any of them had ever seen. Some mornings he'd be laughing loudly with Harry and Ron, while others he'd pick moodily at his food and grumble at everyone. The collective family was used to it by now; it was just the way Sirius was. They hardly even noticed his mood swings anymore. This morning, however, Sirius was neither loud and hyper nor depressed and grumpy, and no one but Harry noticed the change in his behavior. Sirius had a knowing grin on his face and a glint in his eyes. If Harry didn't know any better, he'd say it was almost Marauder-ish. Harry made a mental note to ask his godfather what was up and if he should be worried.

At some point, Remus glanced at his watch, mumbled something about being late (to which Hermione replied, "For a very important date?" Remus grinned in reply), put his empty plate in the sink and rushed out the door, saying goodbye to the group as he left. Everyone offered their goodbyes and continued about their respective conversations. Harry watched as Sirius' grin grew wider and wider.

When he heard the front door shut, Sirius suddenly stood up and said, "Guess what tomorrow is?!" The glint in his eyes had surpassed Marauder-ish and was now maniacal.

"Thursday?" asked Ginny.

"Nope! Well, yes...but that's not what I'm looking for!"

"National S'Mores Day?" offered Arthur.

"No!" insisted Sirius. "Actually...wait...yeah, that's true too. But that's still not it!"

Everyone was looking at Sirius as through he had finally gone off his rocker. He, in turn, looked at them as though they didn't know the sky was blue. Sirius gave a mock exasperated sigh and said, "Tomorrow, my friends, is International Bother, Frighten, Embarrass and Otherwise Completely Annoy Remus Lupin Day!"

Everyone at the table blinked. In unison. Sirius' shoulders slumped. He had been expecting a bit more of a reaction.

"Don't tell me you've never heard of the best holiday EVER?!" said Sirius.

"If it doesn't involve presents," said Ron, "It's probably not the best holiday ever."

"Ah, but you see, Ron," said Sirius wisely, "the best gift of all is the gift of Schadenfreude."

"Schadenfreude?" asked Arthur. "What's that?"

"Happiness at the misfortune of others," said Hermione before Sirius could answer. "It's German." Sirius smiled approvingly at Hermione.

"Hmm," said Arthur quietly. "Figures."

Fred and George looked intrigued. "I don't know what this is all about," said Fred,

"But whatever it is," continued George,

"We're in!" they concluded in unison.

Sirius laughed. "Perfect! Now, for a little history lesson." All eyes and ears were on Sirius now. "In about our third year at Hogwarts, James and I decided that Remus was far too uptight and needed to lighten up a little. We tried everything – we got him involved in more pranks, we threw his school books in the Lake (and he actually went in after them!)...we even got him drunk a few times, but that's another story for another time." Harry and Ron chuckled, while Molly scowled disapprovingly at Sirius.

"Anyway," he continued, "eventually we resigned ourselves to the fact that Moony will always be the conscience of the group. But in our experiments in immaturity, we learned something:" Sirius paused for dramatic effect. "Moony is a hell of a lot of fun to annoy!" Everyone laughed at this revelation.

"Well," Sirius went on, "we couldn't take advantage of poor Moony's weakness all the time – that's what Wormtail was for, after all – so Prongs and I decided to devote one day a year to trying to make our beloved Moony snap. This year, it happens to be tomorrow."

"It changes every year?" asked Ginny.

"Yep!" Sirius replied. "International Bother, Frighten, Embarrass and Otherwise Completely Annoy Remus Lupin Day always falls on the date of the third Sunday of March times pi cubed divided by the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow in Costa Rican weather on April 9th plus how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood to the 815th power. That makes it August 10th this year!"

Hermione's head was in her hands. "Your logic makes my head want to explode."

"Ah, but it _is_ logic!" said Sirius. Hermione looked at him with sheer incredulity in her eyes. She shook her head and said,

"And anyway, that's not exactly nice to Remus, is it?"

"Oh, it's all in good fun!" Sirius said. "And anyway, he's used to it." He looked around the room. "It's been a long time since the last International Bother, Frighten, Embarrass and Otherwise Completely Annoy Remus Lupin Day. My pranking skills are a bit rusty after so many years of nonuse, so I'm going to need everyone's help, especially you, Fred and George."

The twins saluted. "Aye, Captain!" they said.

Sirius clapped his hands together and smiled mischievously. "Great! Here's the plan so far..."

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A/N: Hope you're enjoying it! Please don't forget to click the little blue review button. 


	2. WHAT!

**A/N**: Thank you all so much for the reviews! I'm glad you're enjoying it. I should warn you that this is probably going to be borderline crack!fic, but I'm sure you'll have no problem with that. I'd also like to thank Skippy of "213 Things Skippy Can't Do" because it was one of the things on that list that first sparked the idea for this story. And yes, I did have to up the rating to T. Again, I own nothing. Enjoy, and please don't forget to review!

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Remus woke up and just knew that something was off about today. It wasn't some kind of intuition, nor was it the fact that he felt oddly groggy. Not, it probably had something to do with the fact that Sirius Black was whapping him over the head with a trashbag and singing quite loudly:

"I start it, I end it.  
I kill and words will defend it!  
Got big plans,  
Blood stained hands,  
Wanna see my name on the map!

On my way to save the world!  
On my way to save the world!

**MISSIONARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!**

Can you see the flag ris–"

"SIRIUS BLACK, WHAT THE _HELL_ ARE YOU DOING?!" Remus yelled, sitting bolt upright in bed. Sirius looked innocently at the werewolf, batting his eyelashes and smiling sweetly, completely ignoring the fury in his friend's eyes. Sirius leaned over, gave Remus a passionate kiss, then pulled away, said, "Good morning, love!" and left before Remus could react with anything other than shock. When Sirius has left the room, Remus sat there for a few minutes, his mouth opening and closing like a fish, completely at a loss for words. Eventually, all he could say was, "What the fuck?" And this was saying something because Remus rarely ever used such language. Remus looked longingly at his pillow and desperately hoped that soon he would wake up from this horrible nightmare, but he knew he wouldn't. Remus shook his head to clear his mind of thoughts of Sirius' tongue down his throat, but they wouldn't disappear, much to his dismay. (**A/N**: For all you RLSB fans: "...but they wouldn't disappear, and he didn't want them to." Just throwing it out there. XD)

Remus got out of bed and stretched. He grabbed a towel and went down the hall to the bathroom. Fortunately, there was no one in line this morning (usually he had at least three people ahead of him), and he was able to go right in. He threw the towel on the toilet and looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was sloppy and his eyes were a little bloodshot. He hadn't gone drinking lat, night, had he? '_No,_' he assured himself. '_Full moon's soon. Must just be that._' He ran his hand across the stubble on his face and reminded himself that he should probably shave this morning. Then, he noticed something odd. He turned slightly to the side so he could get a better view of this addition to his body. On Remus' left bicep was a picture of Scooby Doo and Wile E. Coyote locked in a passionate embrace. It was enchanted so that no details were left to the imagination. Underneath the picture were the words "Padfoot & Moony 4EVER." Remus couldn't even begin to point out how many things were wrong with the picture, much less the situation as a whole. He wondered just what on earth had he done last night. Remus took a wash cloth and scrubbed at the picture until his skin turned red. His worst fears were confirmed – it was, in fact, a tattoo. Remus let out a string of curses.

"How did this happen?!" he asked himself. Remus had always prided himself on being very intelligent, but this was something he just couldn't understand. Sighing, he turned on the shower and stepped inside, setting the temperature to ice cold. God knew he needed it. Fortunately, he had an uneventful shower and was able to make it back to his room and dress without anything bad happening. '_Maybe it really was just a dream,_' he thought as he dressed. Then he looked down at the shagging cartoon characters on his arm and knew it wasn't. He sighed and put on a blazer to cover the tattoo. He'd be having a word with Sirius, that was for sure.

As soon as Remus entered the kitchen where all of the house's inhabitants were gathered, Sirius rose from his chair, said quite cheerily, "Good morning, love!" and gave Remus another, much more passionate kiss, this one complete with a butt grope. Remus was too shocked to notice everyone at the table snickering, and by the time he was able to pull away from Sirius' embrace and yell, "PADFOOT, _STOP!_" everyone held a straight face again. Sirius let go of Remus, but not before giving him a quick pinch on the butt. Harry fought back a laugh by taking a sip of his drink.

"What is _up_ with you today?" asked Remus, loudly. "Oh, and would you mind explaining _this_?!" He took off his jacket and pulled up the sleeve of his t-shirt so that everyone could see every detail of the tattoo. Sirius only smiled and sighed happily.

"Isn't it wonderful, dear?" he said, embracing Remus again. "I was so happy when you finally confessed your love for me that I suggested we do something to commemorate it! That's when you went out and got that lovely tattoo." Sirius lowered his voice a little, but was still loud enough that everyone could hear when he said, "Then you came back and we had a nice romp. Honestly, I had no idea you were such an animal in the sack..." Sirius' hands started to wander again and the color drained from Remus' face.

"We did WHAT!?" he cried, his voice cracking, causing Harry to take another sip to hold back his laughter.

"Of course!" Sirius pouted. "Honestly, dear, I'm hurt you don't remember. It was the most special night of my life!" He sunk back into his chair, tears forming in his eyes. Molly put her arm around Sirius and said, "There, there, dear," patting him on the back, consolingly. Remus rolled his eyes and sat down in his usual spot, next to Sirius and across from Harry.

By this point, Harry's face was contorted in an odd way from trying so hard to refrain from busting out laughing and thus ruining the entire day. His head was in his hands and he was convulsing with silent laughter. Remus looked at him oddly.

"Harry," he said cautiously, "you okay?"

Harry let out a laugh that sounded oddly like a sob and said, "Yeah, I-I'm fine...I just...gotta go...excuse me..." holding back another laugh, he quickly got up and ran from the room. Remus was even more confused now. "Is he all right?" he asked, looking around the table. Ginny and Sirius exchanged a worried look. Fortunately, Remus didn't seem to notice.

"Umm, yeah, he's fine," Ginny said. With a grin at Sirius, she said, "He's just upset that Sirius got to you first."

Remus almost choked on his eggs. He coughed harshly a few times and had to take a sip of his tea before he could say anything. "He WHAT?!"

"Yeah," continued Sirius, "he's liked you for a while. Tough luck though, since you're mine now..." Sirius placed a hand on Remus' leg and was moving dangerously north before Remus batted him away with a glare. Sirius replied with a wink and a seductive grin. Remus shuddered and downed his tea, then poured himself another cup.

Sirius seemed content to leave him be for a while, so he grabbed the pile of mail in front of his plate and started sorting through it. It was an oddly big pile that day, and as Remus sorted through the letters, he didn't recognize many of the return names. He was going to ask if this was, in fact, his mail, but they were all addressed to him. Choosing one randomly, he opened the seal and pulled out the contents. The letter was pink and smelled faintly of strawberries. The first line read:

'_Dear Remus With the Giant –_' Remus did a spit take on the letter when he read what exactly it was of his that was "giant".

"Sirius?" he said, his voice cracking with nervousness. "What is _this_?" He handed him the letter. Sirius read it over and smiled.

"Oh, must just be a response to that personal ad you placed," he said. "Not that you need it anymore, of course..." Again, his hand traversed Remus' leg and again Remus swatted it away.

"What personal ad? What are you talking about?"

"The one in the paper!" said Ron. He handed Remus yesterday's copy of the _Daily Prophet_ and he flipped to the personal ads. Remus' eyes widened in shock when he read the ad:

_Lesbian trapped in a man's body looking for some puppy love. Hasn't had a good shag in years. Owl REMUS J. LUPIN (The 'J' is for 'Just fantastic in bed'.)_

Remus put the paper down and stared off in to the distance. Someone was out to get him. Either that, or he couldn't hold his alcohol nearly as well as he thought. Remus only snapped out of his daze when a piece of bacon hit him on the head. He heard someone calling him a name, but it certainly wasn't his.

"Princess Anastasia!" called George. "Could you pass the butter please?"

Remus blinked at him. "What did you just call me?"

George sighed. "Really, Princess Anastasia, now is not the time to be joking." Remus shook his head and passed the butter down the table.

"Princess Anastasia, could you pass me the bacon?" said Hermione, innocently.

"_Et tu_, Hermione?" said Remus, resignedly. If Hermione felt in any way bad for playing along, she didn't show it. Remus sighed and passed her the bacon, then returned to stabbing at his food and occasionally swatting Sirius' hand away from his leg.

"Princess Anastasia –" Arthur began.

"THAT'S IT, I'M OUT OF HERE!" Remus yelled. He got up from the table and put his plate in the sink angrily.

"Don't you want a quick shag before you go?" asked Sirius sweetly. Remus glared at him and gave him the one finger salute. "Anytime, anywhere, Princess Anastasia," he said, winking. Remus gaped at him, glared some more, then stormed out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind him. Only when he was gone did the entire kitchen release the laughter they had been holding in for so long.

"Brilliant!" said Ginny, hugging Sirius happily. "That was bloody brilliant!"

"I can't believe he got so freaked out!" said Ron, wiping away tears of mirth. "That personal ad...oh, man..."

"But wait," said Hermione, looking from Sirius to Fred and George. "How did you get a tattoo on him without him knowing?"

"It's not a real tattoo," said Sirius. "Just a simple enchantment. I'll come off in twenty-four hours."

"And we used a hangover charm to make him think he had a wild night with Sirius," said Fred.

Hermione had to laugh. As much as she liked and respected her former teacher, this was just too much fun. "Okay," she said, "what's next?"

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**A/N**: Wow, that was fun to write. Hope you enjoyed it! If you're wondering, the song is called "Missionary" by Operation Ivy. Download it, listen to it, and you'll see why it's so funny to imagine Sirius waking Remus up to it. Again, I'm not sure where this is going, so I don't know when the next chapter will be up, but hopefully it will be soon! 


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